Boys Don’t Cry and That’s the Problem
“Be a man.”
Three small words, but for many boys in Nigeria and around the world, it feels like a life sentence.
From when a boy is a toddler, he is told what a man should be, strong, brave, quiet, and always in control. If he cries, he is told to stop acting like a girl. If he shows fear, they say he is weak.
If he talks too much about feelings, people look at him funny. He is told to carry his pain like a badge of honour and keep going, no matter what. What if everything we told our boys about being a man is the very thing that is hurting them?
That’s the twist. What if the phrase “Be a Man” is not making our boys stronger but actually breaking them from the inside?
The Emotional Load Boys Carry Silently
Many boys are growing up learning how to hide not how to heal.
At home, if a boy is being bullied or abused, he may never speak up. At school, if he is struggling with his studies or mental health, he will most likely keep it to himself. Have you ever wondered why?
Basically it is because he has been taught that asking for help means he is not man enough.
In fact, according to 2023 UNICEF Nigeria report, over 60% of teenage boys feel emotionally unsupported, and less than 20% have ever talked to a parent, teacher, or counsellor about their feelings. Access via: https://www.unicef.org/nigeria/media /9261/file/Annual%20Report%202023.pdf
American psychologist Dr. Niobe Way once said that, “Boys are born with the full range of human emotions, empathy, sadness, tenderness but we teach them to cut off parts of themselves.”
That is exactly what happens. They learn to cut off tears, fear, and love. They grow up emotionally numb.
Let’s be honest. Many boys around the world face pressure not just to pass exams but to be perfect sons, future leaders, and family providers.
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This pressure often doesn’t look like pressure, it looks like silence. When a girl cries over school stress, she might get a hug but if a boy tries to do the same, he hears “boys don’t cry” and so, he starts to believe he must carry it all alone.
Brené Brown, a renowned researcher, stated that “We’ve confused strength with silence, and it’s killing our boys.” Yes, it is killing them. Globally, more men die from suicide than women. Not because they don’t feel pain, but because they’re too afraid or ashamed to talk about it.
Masculinity and the Way Boys Treat Others
It doesn’t end with boys suffering quietly. This idea of toughness affects how boys relate with others especially girls.
If a boy thinks being a man means being dominant and emotionless, how will he treat women with empathy? If he thinks compassion is weakness, how will he build healthy relationships?
Bell hooks, a feminist writer, said that, “The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead, it is the emotional self-mutilation, the sacrifice of their own emotional well-being.”
This is deep! Before boys ever become men who hurt others, they first become boys who are taught to hurt themselves.
This teaching doesn’t come from strangers, it comes from home, school, religion, and culture.
Where Did Boys Learn This?
The idea of masculinity did not fall from the sky. It was passed down like family recipes.
Fathers who never hugged their sons. Teachers who punished boys for crying. Mothers who told their boys to be strong like your father. Even pastors or imams who preached that men must always be the head and never show emotion.
Over time, these messages become normal even when they are harmful.
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Former American footballer Joe Ehrmann said that, “We’ve taught boys that being a man means having power over others instead of having power with others.”
This mindset limits boys. It teaches them that to be respected, they must always lead, win, and dominate. It is a trap!
Change Is Coming Slowly, But Surely
Not everyone is staying silent. Some schools and NGOs in Nigeria and around the world are stepping in to help boys feel and talk openly.
There are now safe spaces in a few schools where boys are encouraged to speak about pressure, fear, and pain. Some teachers have started to guide boys in peer mentoring and emotional discussions.
Some NGOs like Mentally Aware Nigeria Initiative (MANI) and She Writes Woman are changing the conversation around mental health, especially for boys and men.
Psychiatrist Dr. Gabor Maté noted that emotional competence is what allows us to live healthy lives. Without it, boys become men who are afraid of themselves.
The statement by Dr. Gabor is indeed very true. If a boy grows up not knowing how to name his emotions, he becomes a man who runs away from them or he lets them explode in harmful ways
We need a new kind of masculinity. Let’s stop pretending like boys do not feel pain. Let’s stop training our sons to be robots instead of human beings.
The truth is, there is nothing weak about crying. There is nothing wrong with asking for help and there is nothing unmanly about being kind, vulnerable, or emotional.
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie once stated that, “Masculinity becomes a hard, small cage, and we put boys inside it.”
That cage is not natural, it is man-made and it is time to break it open.
Let’s raise boys who know that being a man doesn’t mean hiding your tears. It means knowing when to cry and when to comfort. It means being brave enough to say, I’m not okay. It means growing into full, balanced human beings not half of one.
So next time someone says, “Be a man,” maybe it is time we ask, What kind of man are we raising?
Let’s raise a generation of boys who are free to feel, free to speak, and free to be human.
If being a man means silence, suffering, and shame then maybe, just maybe, it is time we stop and rethink everything.
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